Thursday, March 22, 2012

19-21st March, Chase's Anniversary

I sat here yesterday all day with this blog post open....
I wrote then deleted, wrote then deleted, wrote more then deleted again.... I was at a loss on what exactly i wanted to say... So i wrote nothing.... and after thinking about it today, I have decided to just share a couple pictures with you....
These past few days have been the birthday and anniversary of my sweet baby Chase dying. The last few days have been difficult. In fact... the whole month of March has been difficult. 
 
Most of you will know that On the 21st March 2010 my son passed away. My Quilting addiction and blog started because i needed an escape to help me get through each long day.  Each day is difficult. And as time goes by I keep thinking it will get easier. 
 Some days it does, i feel like i will survive and that although i desperately miss my little boy.. i have so many things to be grateful for and live for.

Our family zoo trip for Chase's Birthday... and my 32 week preg belly.
But then there are days where I often sit and wonder if i will survive... Why does it hurt so much. Why the death of a loved one is so difficult to deal with. Especially the death of your child. Why it affects every part of you. Why it changes you.  
Chase was only 2 days old when he died...

We were eagerly awaiting a new little baby to come into our family.. only to have to say goodbye to him much too soon. For those of you who have lost a child, know the incredible pain that becomes apart of you. Part of your daily struggle, part of the new and different you.
 
So, Last year with the anniversary approaching, we decided to go on a family holiday so that we would all be away together and help ease the anxiety...
This year we spent the weekend together.
We went to the zoo..

We had fun watching the animals...
And on the Sunday we went to visit his grave...
We're really lucky in the fact that 30 years ago my grandpa purchased a whole section of plots together. Chase is buried next to my grandma and grandpa and uncle Jordy. Its a section in the cemetery that we can plant plants in and tend to it instead of just a little plot all on his own... It was nice to go this year and have the Tibouchina tree that I planted for his birthday last year flowering and thriving...
Chase's Grave... Hopefully over these coming weeks i can work up the courage to call and organise his headstone. This has been one of the most difficult things for me... 
I really miss him, but I am grateful for the knowledge and comfort i get from my beliefs. That one day we will be together again. That we are sealed together and will be a forever family..
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69 comments:

  1. Sarah CraigMarch 22, 2012 at 12:38 PM

    Bec, my heart aches for you right now - I can't imagine going through all you have had to deal with in the past two years. But please know that you have been such an inspiration to all of us, even though we are sorry that you had to go through such heartache to get started quilting and blogging. Chase is smiling at you right now, I'm sure! You're in my prayers....

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  2. AnonymousMarch 22, 2012 at 12:43 PM

    Bec i've been thinking and sending love to you, Trav and the kids over these few days.
    The pain i know not what you feel, have felt and still endure!
    I have no right words other than i'm sorry you don't have your sweet little Chase with you!
    You are a wonderful mother,a beautiful person and my great friend, who i miss like crazy and especially at this time...i love you, Ali xxx

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  3. Mary PMarch 22, 2012 at 12:47 PM

    My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I have a little girl of my own (1 year old on Sunday). It makes my heart break to think of any parent losing their child. Anything I could possibly say would sound trite, so I will just say that my heart goes out to you.

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  4. FeeMarch 22, 2012 at 12:55 PM

    Sending Big Hugs to you and your family Bec. Chase's flowers are just beautiful.

    Hugs - Fee X

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  5. JenMarch 22, 2012 at 1:09 PM

    What a lovely gift Heavenly Father gave you - and what a great sacrifice and service you did for Him - Allowing little Chase to come, get his body, and not have to endure this physical life. His sweet spirit is pure and preserved, and waiting for you! Always remember what you believe, and lean on Father for strength. I can't imagine what you've suffered - but I am glad you have your testimony. You'll be in my prayers!

    Love,
    A perfect stranger in California who believes in Heavenly Father's plan

    xoxo
    Jen

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  6. mjbMarch 22, 2012 at 1:22 PM

    Sending prayers to you and yours..

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  7. www.randomthoughtsdoordi.comMarch 22, 2012 at 1:58 PM

    I can't even imagine your pain and how you will ever move forward from this loss. Knowing that your faith has sealed you as a family must bring great comfort.

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  8. PatriceMarch 22, 2012 at 1:59 PM

    I'm so sorry for your tremendous loss. Saying prayers for you and your family tonight mama.

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  9. Tin Can DaisyMarch 22, 2012 at 2:10 PM

    I have no words. I can only say I am so sorry for you loss. You little family is beautiful and I'm sure Chase is smiling down on you from wherever he is.

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  10. AnonymousMarch 22, 2012 at 2:11 PM

    beautifully written my love. more smooches than ever Malinda K

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  11. CheriMarch 22, 2012 at 3:09 PM

    Love and prayers sent in our shared sisterhood. I don't think one ever "gets over" this but I have to have hope that although one is forever changed, things get better, softer. Have faith. You are loved.

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  12. StephanieMarch 22, 2012 at 3:30 PM

    I don't have the right words, but didn't want to see this and not leave a response. I am so sorry for your loss. Thanks for your honesty & courage to share your story. I know you are helping others going through their own loss.

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  13. GailMarch 22, 2012 at 3:40 PM

    Words can't express how I felt reading your wonderfully worded post. I can't imagine what you have gone through or continue to. I freak out when I can't get a hold of my 22 year old daughter! I'm sure my world would crash around me if anything should happen. My heart is with you and I couldn't have said it better than Jen. xoxo

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  14. verobirdieMarch 22, 2012 at 4:06 PM

    This is a beautiful post, because you express all your love for you little boy and bow it hurts not to have him with you.
    Those days in March must be very hard, especially as you are pregnant. I wish I could relieve your anxiety, and I'm sure the love of your family does.
    Hugs

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  15. CarliMarch 22, 2012 at 4:10 PM

    I am so sorry Bec. Micah and Chase were born close together, I remember Lisa telling me about your beautiful Chase and being heartbroken for you and wondering why Micah born only a few days later got to stay with us when Chase had to leave so soon. What a huge range of emotions you must be feeling now. Your family cemetery garden is truly beautiful. Thinking of you, Carli x

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  16. Julia @ Blue-J CottageMarch 22, 2012 at 5:21 PM

    Oh I'm so sorry. What an awful thing to go through. We don't know each other, but I am sending big hugs your way. BIG HUGS! I love that you can tend to his grave site, I am always turned off by the fact that you can't. It is just one more way to help in the grieving process and the ease the pain, spending time at the grave site planting life.

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  17. Teje KarjalainenMarch 22, 2012 at 6:10 PM

    Beautiful post, Rebecca! I am so sorry for Chase and can't imagine how difficult it is for you. I send you hugs and kisses and all the best to your lovely family! x Teje

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  18. lilybetsMarch 22, 2012 at 7:03 PM

    ....some things are so difficoult to accept and understand...especially when you have been loving something special like a baby and when he will just arrive he will leaving you.I can't imagine what your hearth suffered, but you could live for your family, to give them all your love.I wish you all the best,God protect you and all your family and Chase.

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  19. AnonymousMarch 22, 2012 at 7:05 PM

    Bec your post is truly beautiful. You have expressed so lovingly and simply what Chase's life will always mean to you. I was so touched by reading this. Love and prayers, your beautiful family will be smiled upon by Chase forever. Love and lots of prayers

    Philipa Xx

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  20. JustineMarch 22, 2012 at 7:20 PM

    Oh Bec, big hugs lovely lady. Hope you're getting through this and also that the rest of your pregnancy goes smoothly for you,not that long to go really! I'm due No3 on Saturday but I have a sneaky suspicion I will be late - typical boy eh? You know where I am if you want a chat. Justine xxxx

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  21. JodiMarch 22, 2012 at 9:12 PM

    I can't imagine your pain. My Mother had a still born & still grieves for him around his birthday but I think as the years go by her pain is less and she has found ways to come to terms with the loss and be thankful for the blessing of her 3 children and now 3 grand children. I pray that you will find ways to remember with less pain and enjoy the blessing your other children bring you. Thank you for sharing so openly with us. I am sure your journey will be a blessing to others suffering the loss of a child.
    Jodi

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  22. Reene@Nellie's NicetiesMarch 22, 2012 at 9:25 PM

    I have no words. Just know that I am thinking of you and family at this time. Much love Reene x

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  23. LeanneMarch 22, 2012 at 9:55 PM

    All our love to you and your beautiful family.
    Leanne,Paul & Boys xoxo

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  24. DorianMarch 22, 2012 at 10:17 PM

    My heart goes out to you and your family. God Bless.

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  25. make it perfectMarch 22, 2012 at 10:37 PM

    Love you heaps Bec. Everything you do amazes me.
    And you are looking AWESOME - love that beautiful preggas belly.
    Love Love Love
    xxx

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  26. AnonymousMarch 22, 2012 at 11:01 PM

    Bec - Your words hit me like a truck... Thirty years ago on March 19, I lost a "Little". Even with 5 kids and now 2 grands, there is a very special place in my heart, still some tears (especially right now), and I will always miss what should have been... Two years is just a wink in time; it is still very early/raw. Much love to you - may life bring you many blessings and may the love of all those around you ease your pain.
    Helen

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  27. SaraMarch 22, 2012 at 11:07 PM

    Yeay pregnant belly pic, Bec!! I can't wait to see that new life in person on your blog---that is;)

    Your family is beautiful:)

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  28. TamieMarch 22, 2012 at 11:44 PM

    I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my mother, my sister and my uncle, all one year apart and all within the same two week period of the year. It is tough each year. My thoughts and prayers surround you and your family and the newest one to come.

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  29. Kaye PrinceMarch 23, 2012 at 12:27 AM

    Sending lots of love and hugs your way right now! Love you Bec xo

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  30. Dan and LouMarch 23, 2012 at 12:37 AM

    That photo of Chase always takes my breath away.... All those tubes and wires.... While at the same time looking peaceful and so perfect. Xx luv u lots xX Gald you got to spend this time with your beautiful family :)

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  31. christileeMarch 23, 2012 at 12:56 AM

    So sorry. Knowing we can be together forever is our greatest blessing!!!!!

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  32. LindaMarch 23, 2012 at 2:11 AM

    I am so sorry. I can't even imagine what this must be like. Hugs to you and your family.

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  33. DebMarch 23, 2012 at 3:16 AM

    I can't imagine the pain and grief you and your family are enduring. Take solice in the fact that you have a beautiful family and remember that you'll see Chase again in the future. He's in heaven with your other family.

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  34. ChristaMarch 23, 2012 at 3:31 AM

    We don't know each other, but know of each other. My family has spent the past 7 years at the zoo, celebrating the birth of our first child who only spent 3 days with us. It is so good to see your kids smiling, and you too, on a difficult day. We had always hoped that it would be a tradition our kids would look forward to, and this year our 5 year old said, "You know what's great about Caleb's birthday? We get to go a different zoo every year." It is truly a celebration. I hope yours was, too. If you ever feel like a little comraderie, feel free to check my blog, www.wiens-world.blogspot.com (click the Caleb label), or contact me. Blessings.
    Christa

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  35. ChristaMarch 23, 2012 at 3:31 AM

    We don't know each other, but know of each other. My family has spent the past 7 years at the zoo, celebrating the birth of our first child who only spent 3 days with us. It is so good to see your kids smiling, and you too, on a difficult day. We had always hoped that it would be a tradition our kids would look forward to, and this year our 5 year old said, "You know what's great about Caleb's birthday? We get to go a different zoo every year." It is truly a celebration. I hope yours was, too. If you ever feel like a little comraderie, feel free to check my blog, www.wiens-world.blogspot.com (click the Caleb label), or contact me. Blessings.
    Christa

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  36. ChristaMarch 23, 2012 at 3:33 AM

    We don't know each other, but I know of you. Thank you for your post. Our family has spent the last 7 years celebrating the birth of our first born who was only with us for 3 days by going to the zoo. It is good to see your family smiling on a difficult day. For our kids, it has become a tradition they look forward to, which is really helpful for me. If you ever feel like a little camaraderie, feel free to check out the Caleb posts on my blog, www.wiens-world.blogspot.com, or contact me. Blessings.

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  37. MollyMarch 23, 2012 at 4:08 AM

    My heart just aches reading this post. So sorry ....

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  38. suemacMarch 23, 2012 at 4:35 AM

    Yesterday would have been my granddaughter's fifth birthday. She died after 97 days on this earth. It is very heart-wrenching when you lose a grandchild, but to lose a child I can't imagine what you are going through.

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  39. Jeanne GwinMarch 23, 2012 at 4:37 AM

    My heart is in such pain and sadness for you having to suffer this tremendous loss. I would be a liar if I told you it gets easier, it does not. But, it does get better because the sadness will be replaced with understanding and acceptance, memories that are never forgotten but rather shared in family and the making of new memories, happiness instead of sadness as you watch your children change almost hourly over the next several years. You will awaken some morning or come out of a "zone out" someday and you will be able to cope better, the sadness will be so much less and your joy will be in what you have brought to the living from the death of your darling son. I do hope my words help you and I know that my prayers will. Lighten the load on your heart, talk to your best friend,The Lord.

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  40. Katy CameronMarch 23, 2012 at 5:55 AM

    (((((HUGS)))))

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  41. JudyMarch 23, 2012 at 6:05 AM

    I am so sorry for your loss. May our Lord comfort you at this sad time.

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  42. Agnes B. BullockMarch 23, 2012 at 6:40 AM

    My prayers ar with you and your family.

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  43. Nanette MerrillMarch 23, 2012 at 7:34 AM

    No one could understand the heart ache you feel unless they have gone through this. My heart goes out to you and as the mom of 8, I can only imagine what you feel. At least every mother can relate to the fear of losing a child. He was so cute. So sweet. In my religion I know that we will be with our loved ones. So I'm sure you will be with him again. That is mercy. With our recent birth of my granddaughter and her having Down Syndrome I can relate to the feelings of panic and fear at a child being born when their life is at risk. Thanks for sharing your story.

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  44. barbara woodsMarch 23, 2012 at 8:02 AM

    i know dear i lost 2 sons but they were grown but that did't help one bit

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  45. Mother DragonMarch 23, 2012 at 8:12 AM

    I'm so sorry for your loss. I have only recently started following your blog and was unaware of this.
    I recently miscarried for the second time in a row. My heart goes out to you and your family.
    X

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  46. CardygirlMarch 23, 2012 at 8:15 AM

    Thinking of you.

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  47. KirstenMarch 23, 2012 at 8:37 AM

    I will always think of you and your family when I look out to see the Tibouchina tree flowering in our backyard.

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  48. madquilter65March 23, 2012 at 10:38 AM

    I will keep you in my prayers. Thank god for the rest of your family. I just want to thank you for all the joy you bring to all of us. Thank you for sharing with us not only the good things in your life but also the trying times as well, it makes us feel like a part of your family. Lots of love and payers coming your way,

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  49. madquilter65March 23, 2012 at 10:40 AM

    I will keep you in my prayers. Thank god for the rest of your family. I just want to thank you for all the joy you bring to all of us. Thank you for sharing with us not only the good things in your life but also the trying times as well, it makes us feel like a part of your family. Lots of love and payers coming your way,

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  50. madquilter65March 23, 2012 at 10:40 AM

    I will keep you in my prayers. Thank god for the rest of your family. I just want to thank you for all the joy you bring to all of us. Thank you for sharing with us not only the good things in your life but also the trying times as well, it makes us feel like a part of your family. Lots of love and payers coming your way,

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  51. madquilter65March 23, 2012 at 10:40 AM

    I will keep you in my prayers. Thank god for the rest of your family. I just want to thank you for all the joy you bring to all of us. Thank you for sharing with us not only the good things in your life but also the trying times as well, it makes us feel like a part of your family. Lots of love and payers coming your way,

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  52. DinahMarch 23, 2012 at 10:59 AM

    May God bless you and your family always.

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  53. Chris, Molly, and BabyMarch 23, 2012 at 11:19 AM

    Praying for you. I too lost a child and my quilting came about as a result of that. My little June lived 3 weeks 1 day and some online friends I have never met in person made a memory quilt for me on her first birthday and now just over 2 years since she died I finished my first quilt and sent it to a silent auction in her memory. I too have a blog if you ever want to visit it and we can walk this grief journey together.
    http://bootsieandbull.blogspot.com

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  54. Andrea March 23, 2012 at 11:22 AM

    Beautiful words to remember your baby..Force and much love to you and your family ...

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  55. sandraMarch 23, 2012 at 11:37 AM

    Our grandaughter died at 26 weeks seven years ago and it still makes me feel so sad on March 27. I got to hold her tiny body and I will never forget that. I know my daughter feels so sad at this time of year. She had a little boy two years later and he was born blind. He constantly talks about his sister that sometimes we wonder if he sees her. I also made a quilt in memory of her with angels all over it and it hangs in my daughters home. Bless you Beca and your beautiful family. Will say prayer for your healing. Sandra

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  56. JolieMarch 23, 2012 at 12:17 PM

    Bec, beautiful wishes and sentiments on Chase's birthday. We are a few years further down this road (this Sunday would have been Atticus's 8th birthday) and I can say you get used to it. It doesn't get easier per se, but your life gets bigger around this black hole, and the how-do-I-survive moments spread a little further apart. My love to you and yours this month.

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  57. Jennifer Mathis of Ellison LaneMarch 23, 2012 at 12:26 PM

    Bec I don't know what to say other than I am thinking of you and your family and sending you prayers and a hug.

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  58. AnonymousMarch 23, 2012 at 5:12 PM

    Bec, I'm glad that you shared this post with us, it was lovely of you. For me, sharing makes me feel better. I can't imagine what it would be like to deal with such a loss. Big hugs being sent your way. I love reading your blog and look forward to each post.

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  59. SparkyMarch 23, 2012 at 6:48 PM

    Dear Bec, You just place your hand on your heart whenever you ache for him..he is there...he has and never will leave your heart....May your days ahead bring you such love and comfort. Tenderly mdm samm

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  60. Me? A Mom?March 23, 2012 at 10:38 PM

    Hugs from St. Louis. You're in my prayers, my friend.

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  61. Clothed in ScarletMarch 24, 2012 at 12:32 AM

    I have not had to bury a child so I cannot even begin to imagine what you have gone through. But as I read your line, about hoping to be able to organize and order his headstone, I sat nodding my head. See, on March 3, 1991 I lost my mother. I was 29 years old and I guess I mention my age as if maybe it would not have been so hard if she and I had been older. When it decided that we would place an arrangement of flowers at her grave site. It was my job as the oldest child to make the call and place the order. I put it off and I put it off...I couldn't call and say my mother is dead and I want to order flowers for her grave site. Sorrow strikes people in different ways but not being ready/or able to take care of the headstone I understand. I'll be praying you and your family. It changes you. It just does. But we know in whom we have hope! Thank God for Easter! xoxox from a sister in Christ :) Sarah

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  62. Mama SparkMarch 24, 2012 at 4:31 AM

    Bec, No words we can say will ease your pain, only our Lord can help you with that pain. Your family is beautiful and I am sure Chase is looking at all of you and is happy to see you all growing and thriving! He is always with you whenever you think of him. God bless you and your family and I will say a little prayer for you, your family and Chase too! xoxo

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  63. Donna BakerMarch 24, 2012 at 11:14 AM

    my heart goes out to you & your family as you continue to deal with your life changing loss. it's great to see you pregnant, you look amazing! I'm glad you all had a fun time together and what a beautiful grave for Chase, doesn't even matter there is no headstone. You will get it when you're ready, don't beat yourself up about it. Hugs!!

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  64. Melissa@lolajazzMarch 24, 2012 at 6:09 PM

    Dear Bec, I can empathise with you as far as being the sister of a baby who passed away at 5 days old. Emma is buried next to her grandma too. That was nearly 37 years ago now. My mother didn't talk about how she felt, mourned or what she experienced until I was 18. To talk about your darling little boy with your husband and children is such an important step. I have always felt my little sister and Nana watching over me, and it was always a comfort to feel her as a guardian angel. Your burial place for Chase is beautiful. xx

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  65. AnonymousMarch 26, 2012 at 5:58 AM

    Sending thoughts and prayers to you and your family! And your right, you will be with him again, and just think of how glorious that day will be. When your sadness sits in just think of him sitting with Jesus looking down on you and your family with a big smile for you.

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  66. UnknownApril 1, 2012 at 9:53 AM

    I didn't know about your loss and am very sorry to hear about it. I definitely understand how hard it can be. We've lost two babies this year both at 18-19 weeks due to incompetent cervix. Not a day goes by that I don't ache for them and wish that I had my boys with me. Somehow I still manage to function and it amazes me. Many hugs and good wishes for you guys, one day all of us who have lost children will be reunited and it will be a glorious day.

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  67. Ashley J @ MommyByDayCrafterByNightApril 3, 2012 at 4:08 AM

    I just happened upon your blog today and found this post. I am so so sorry that you had to go through loosing a little child in this life. I can't even imagine what that is like or what you have gone through. He was such a beautiful baby.
    My little brother passed away last month unexpectedly at the age of 15. Even though we have the gospel and know the things we know, loss of a loved one is still hard. I am so grateful, like you are, for eternal families. It makes loosing a loved one bearable knowing we will be reunited with them soon.
    Hang in there and just take it one day at a time. xoxo, Ashley

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  68. Suzie WhiteApril 5, 2012 at 5:49 AM

    Dear One, You'r sweet son is beautiful. I know you are missing him, but what comfort we have in the Gospel. You will be able to be with him again. He is your angel and I am sure he watches over you and his eternal family.

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  69. PétraApril 6, 2012 at 3:12 PM

    Bec I have been thinking of you so much the past week and I didn't even know why. My heart goes out to you on this anniversary. Having lost my Mom in a sudden manor I know the ache you talk about I feel it everyday. I am thinking of you and your family and am excited for your new arrival. XO

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